Grief: A Longterm Process
[Original post 6.29.2020]
December 28th, 2018 -I found out I was pregnant. I was happy because I always wanted to be a mom. I was scared because I was thinking about throwing in the towel on my relationship up until that point. I was nervous because that is a journey that nothing can every really prepare you for.
January 21st, 2019 – I had my first ultrasound. I was elated. It finally became real to me. (I still haven’t deleted the pictures or videos from this appointment.)
January 22nd, 2019 – I announced my pregnancy on social media. I was so excited. I didn’t think I could have kids so this was a HUGE moment for me.
February 2nd, 2019 – I lost our baby. I was 10.5 weeks. Almost into the “safe zone” of the second trimester. A piece of me died in the emergency room. They had no answers for me & still don’t. It was a “spontaneous miscarriage”.
I spent most of 2019 depressed. Crying every day. Asking God why. Being angry. Being envious of the women who were pregnant that didn’t even want kids or already had multiple kids. I hated myself. How could I fail at the one thing God made women to be able to do?
With prayer, therapy, church, and a loving support system, I was able to overcome. I was able to find joy, peace, and happiness again. I was in such a great place and proud of it.
Like most people I said, “2020 is going to be my year”. I wanted it to be a continuous year of clarity. It has been for the most part. I was getting my life together and proud of it. I was accomplishing goals. I was figuring out my place in life & others lives, as well as figuring out others places in my life. I was communicating better with my partner. I was distancing myself from anything or anyone that didn’t bring me a sense of peace. I was doing pretty good.
June 19th, 2020 – I took a pregnancy test. The plus sign was a little faint but it was POSITIVE! I was overjoyed. I wanted to shout to the mountaintops!! Instead, I placed my hand on my stomach & said, “Thank you God for this blessing”. We agreed not to tell anyone just yet but I had to tell our parents because they are my prayer warriors. We compromised that we would tell our parents the next weekend when my parents came down to visit.
I think I was still in disbelief for a few days but I keep getting all these signs from my angels. That following day I took a drive & just cried because I was so happy but also so scared to lose another child. In the midst of my tears, my grandmother’s favorite gospel came on Pandora. Even after death, she still comforts me.
On Tuesday morning I took another test just to be 100% sure. The word pregnant displayed across the screen. I showed it to my love before throwing it away. He pulled me back in bed & we just laid there in a bubble of bliss for a little while. I turned my period app into pregnancy mode & it calculated my due date as February 21st, his late fathers birthday. Another sign.
Thursday afternoon at work, I began to cramp & spot. I told myself it’s fine. Google said it’s just implantation bleeding. I got home and relaxed a little before my parents & little brother arrived. I noticed I was bleeding a little more but nothing alarming, so I told myself again, it was fine.
I broke the news to our parents when everyone was home a few hours later. They were all happy. I’m so thankful for my village.
Friday came and I was still bleeding some. I decided to take off work and go to my OBGYN. The nurse practitioner said they would just take my blood and let me know what my levels came back as. They have to give you all the scenarios and of course miscarriage is one of them. She disclosed that she had 4 miscarriages before having her daughter. I remember thinking, God bless the women who go through multiple because one was devastating enough.
My appointment was at 3PM. By 5PM they called with my results. My levels were low. I was miscarrying. I made it to 5 weeks & 3 days. Half of my first pregnancy.
I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. I’m thankful to know I can get pregnant, but why have I been unable to carry my babies? So now I’m trying to process all these emotions, again. Trying to not be angry at God or myself, again. Trying to understand what God is trying to tell me, again. Trying not to be envious of others, again. Asking God, WHY AM I GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN??!!
People think that grief and healing have an expiration date but they most certainly do not.
Firstly, healing is not a linear process. It is messy, painful, joyous, scary, honest, and so much more. Healing happens in levels and you can fluctuate between them from one day to the next.
Secondly, grief is a lifelong process. My grandma passed away almost 12 years ago and I still grieve over losing her. Although it is a lifelong process, I have to remind myself that I cannot get stuck here. I can visit from time to time but I cannot live in grief. That is no way to live.
So for now, I will try to find peace in knowing that both my babies will be with me again one day. I will try to find peace in knowing that grief is a normal emotion. I will try to find peace in knowing that I have been here before and I’ve gotten through, so I will get through this time as well.
As I’ve been told before, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It’s time to show myself what I’m made of.
Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU 💜
