What Triggers My Depression: LOSS
[Original post 11.10.2019]
The first time I was diagnosed with depression, I was 18. I had lost the only grandparent I knew, my father was sent to prison, & my family got evicted. All of that happened within 3months after graduating high school. Not to mention, I had to move my belongings into my dorm room on the same day as my grandmas wake. We laid her to rest that Saturday and I started my freshman year of college that Monday.
I'm pretty sure I cried every single day of my first semester. I finally spoke to one of my professors and she encouraged me to utilize the counseling services that the university provided. It definitely changed my life for the better.
Fast forward 5 years later. I had a health scare that resulted in a procedure on my cervix and then got on birth control. Worst decision I've ever made. I gained 30lbs, lost all my confidence, cried every day, lost all my best friends.. I was severely depressed. I got off of my birth control after almost 2yrs and slowly began to work on myself from the inside out.
Fast forward another 5 years and I'm here. Hanging on by a thread. I lost my baby right as I was entering my second trimester.
I didn't think I could have kids and God had blessed me. The night I looked at the positive pregnancy test, I placed my hands on my stomach and said, "I prayed for you". That was December 28th. I lost my baby February 2nd.
I've learned some important things throughout my depression years and I know this is repetitive but oh well:
When the bad waves come, you just got to ride them out. Today was HARD AS HELL! I have cried so much I've given myself a headache.
The people that love you the most are probably not going to be there for you because they don't know how. I lost my childhood best friends because they didn't understand my depression. It still hurts my heart but I no longer fault them.
Seeking out a therapist is vital to your mental and emotional well-being. If you have access to health care or not, try to speak with someone at least once. It's hard battling your inner thoughts alone.
Let things fall apart. You have to learn that YOU are important. If you're a giver like me, you'll continue to pour out even when you're broken. IT WILL DRAIN YOU. Pour into yourself first and others last.
Sorry for being so long-winded today but I had to get some things off my chest. I'm broken and bitter...In this moment, I feel like I'm permanently in this battlefield. I know it's just temporary though.. I just have to ride it out. Here's to a better mental health day tomorrow.
Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU💜
