[Original post 3.1.2019]

The sole purpose that I started this blog was to allow myself to be 100% transparent..so here I am...

Whenever people ask me how I'm doing I would always respond, "I'm fine"...but at least 50% of the time, I was not fine.

When I was younger, I would write poetry to cope on all my "not so fine" days and that got me through. It made me feel okay to not be okay. As I got older & battled depression (another post for another day) I could no longer bring myself to write as a coping mechanism & it sucked. So fast forward a few years & few thousand prayers later.. here I am, struggling to find the words but hoping that I do in case anyone ever decides to read these things & they're going through the same things.

So, today was a day where I definitely was not fine. For starters, it was my grandmas birthday. She transitioned on to a better place almost 11 years ago but the pain has never gone away. Most days are easier than others but days like today... TOUGH would be an understatement. I cried 3 times today. Two of those times, in the back room at work. Aside from it being my grandmas birthday, my cousin gave birth to a beautiful baby girl this morning & if you've read my other posts, you're aware that I lost my baby almost a month ago. While I'm happy for my cousin, it still makes me sad.

Today has been super emotional to say the least. But you know what, that's okay. I am perfectly flawed & I accept it. For all of life's sad moments, it makes the good ones mean that much more. We have to stop putting pressure on ourselves & everyone else to not show or even feel emotion. That's toxic. We have to take the time to deal & to heal. Find an outlet for those low moments & leave them there once you've processed those feelings. It's hard at first but the end result is worth it.

Until next time; Be You. Do You. LOVE YOU 💜