[Original post 1.30.2020]

Hey ya'll ! Hope you all are indulging in positive energy. If not, I'm sending some your way!

Today's post isn't going to be like the others, so if  you're looking for some inspiration today I can't promise that you'll find it here. I can promise though that I'm going to tell you a story of never-ending strength. Also if you are easily offended or squeamish, you may not want to read this post. Let's get started shall we:

February 1st, 2019 I stayed home from work because I felt like shit. I figured it was normal because I was still in my first trimester (but only a week or so away from entering my second). The couch was my home, the TV was my bestie, and I got all the puppy cuddles I wanted that day.

That night, I told my boyfriend I had a stomach ache and asked his mom is I should take some pepto. She said to take a little bit but it wouldn't hurt the baby. I went to bed, laid on my left side (because I read that's what a pregnant lady is suppose to do), and cuddled up next to my man.

I woke up around 2AM on February 2nd because my tummy was still hurting. I had to pee (per usual). I went to wipe and saw a little bit of pink on the tissue. I told myself I was fine and it would be okay. I held my stomach and prayed to God that I would be okay. I put a panty liner on and promised myself that when I woke up, if I saw blood, I'd go to the ER.

The sun woke me up, in combination with some more intense cramps. I knew what was happening. I knew I was losing my baby. I didn't want to believe it. I walked back to my room and told my boyfriend that I needed him to drive me to the hospital. He tried to reassure me that everything would be okay...but we both knew. It was a silent ride. I remember looking at all the trees from the passenger window. Sooo many bare trees. We parked in front of the hospital and I slowly got out of the car. I knew I wouldn't be leaving the same person I was entering it as.

I told the lady at front that I was bleeding and I was pretty sure I was having a miscarriage. I was so scared. I was shaking. I was trying to be strong though because I knew my boyfriend wanted this child just as much, if not more, than I did. It felt like it took forever for a nurse to come escort us to the back but I know it was probably less than 5 minutes. I put on my little gown and waited. My boyfriend sat in the chair beside the bed and helped me off the bed when I said I  needed to pee. I went into the bathroom. I saw more blood and instantly cried. I washed my hands and couldn't look myself in the mirror. I walked out the bathroom door and there was a nurse. Then two more entered. One tried to do a sonogram. The gel was cold. I looked at screen and I couldn't find my baby. (If you're crying right now, it's okay because I am too.)

One of the nurses said, "I don't see anything". Those 4 words broke my spirit and ripped my heart from my body. My silent tears burned my face as my man sat there holding my hand. The nurses explained what was happening & what would come next. Out of the three nurses, there was this one..God sent her to me. After the other two nurses walked out, she held my hand, looked me in my eyes, and said, "I know it hurts and I m so sorry..but you're going to be okay. I lost twins when I was 22weeks and no matter what stage you're at, it hurts." Then she turned to my boyfriend and said, "She's going to have a rough time, especially the next few days. So make sure you take care of her." She squeezed my hand once more and she left.

Simultaneously, the door clicked and I lost my shit. The tears wouldn't stop, my chest felt caved in, I could not breathe. He leaned over and hugged me. He told me we would be okay. I could not talk. In my head all I kept saying was, "I want my baby. This isn't fair". He asked me if I wanted him to call my mom. As soon as she said hello, I cried even harder. I just wanted the pain to end. She tried to sound strong and told me she loved me and she wished she could be by my side. I knew she was crying though. I told her to text my sister because I needed her. I wanted her. I needed to feel the love and presence of my own flesh and blood.

About two hours later it was over. I was discharged. I walked out the hospital with a tear-stained face, my held low, and an empty womb. That was the longest car ride home. There were no words, only fingers intertwined. We got home and I went to my sit on my side of the bed. My boyfriends mom entered the room and sat in front of me. She rubbed my leg and told me it would be okay. She told me she lost two babies before but God was going to bless me. I lost it again. I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life and she just held me. I needed the embrace of a mother..of a woman who loved me..of a woman who understood my pain and disappointment. I spent the rest of the day in best and the next year recovering.

That was a year ago and it was the worst day of my life thus far. Yes, the memories still make me cry. Yes, I still find myself asking "why" sometimes. Yes, it's a void that hasn't gone away yet and I'm not sure it ever fully will. In this past year, I have lost myself in a dark place. A place I didn't think I'd find my way out of. But you know what....

I'm still standing, most days. There are still days when I don't want to get out of bed but I do it anyway. I'm hopeful that I'll have my baby (or babies). The patience part has been one of the harder parts of this journey. I see all these women having babies and it's REALLY hard not to say, "why not me" most times. I'm a work in progress and that's okay. We're all just walking trial & errors.

Want to know the best thing about having the worst day of your life? There's always a better day afterwards because all the bad days don't compare anymore.

Truth is, the worst day of my life was a year ago and now I've been having a rough week because I've been internalizing my emotions thinking about all of it. (I know, I gotta do a little better practicing what I'm preaching but it's hard sometimes. We're only human.) Guess what though?! I'm going to get a hug from my mom this weekend and that'll make everything better.

Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU💜