Love + Depression Pt. 1
[Original post 9.8.2019]
There are two things that have been weighing on me today: My relationship & my depression. Two very big parts of my daily life that ultimately have two different roles but have begun to intertwine.
In thinking about them, I realized there are two important perspectives:
How to love your partner when you're depressed.
How you need to be loved by your partner when you're depressed.
Now everyone will have different ideas for both and I can only speak for me & my needs. I want to take the time to break down each of these so there will be a part 2 to this post.
Let's focus on #1 for now.
How can you love your partner effectively when you're depressed?
In my opinion, you cannot. Now this isn't to say you won't have days where you feel "normal" and fall back into your routine, but how can you truly love someone else when you don't even love yourself?
I do love my man. We're approaching our 5 year anniversary in December actually & I'm SO excited for it! I can honestly say that I haven't been a good partner though. I've subconsciously pushed him away since losing our baby. I lack patience with him. I haven't complimented him like I use to. I don't open up to him like I use to.
To be frank, I've been a really shitty girlfriend. What I learned though (just by writing all of that just now), is that I treat myself the same way. I lack patience with myself and harbor all my tears and hurt inside because I don't want to burden him or my friends and family. I don't take much pride in my appearance anymore & when he compliments me I feel so awkward because I don't see it. I don't open up and let my tears just flow. I don't want to feel the sadness so I just sleep. A LOT. (I'm currently laying in bed right now & it's only 9pm on a Sunday).
A few weeks ago, he told me that I have pushed him away all year & that I barely let him touch me. I really had to stop and think about it. He's definitely right. I have built a wall between us. After losing our baby, I felt a great deal of disappointment and embarrassment. He never made me feel those things but somehow, I felt like I disappointed him and I was embarrassed because I couldn't fulfill one of the main purposes that the female body is suppose to.
So here I am back with my original question, how can I still love him effectively while dealing with depression? Well to start, I have a few things in mind:
I plan to unpack these things in therapy & get some good advice from my therapist.
Learning to love this new version of myself that's evolving.
Praying often and praying specific prayers.
Being honest with my partner about my really bad days.
Releasing my tears
I think those few things will get me headed back into the right direction of being a better partner and a better person 😊
Stay tuned for Pt2 soon!
Until next time; Be You. Do You. LOVE YOU 💜
